The ancient Stoics understood that the company we keep shapes who we become. Marcus Aurelius, Seneca, and Epictetus all emphasized the importance of choosing companions carefully, recognizing that our friends either pull us toward virtue or away from it. While Stoicism doesn’t demand isolation, it does encourage selective association with those who support our growth rather than hinder it.
The Stoic philosophers taught that true friendship should be built on shared values, mutual improvement, and a commitment to living with wisdom and integrity. When we surround ourselves with people who embody opposing principles, we risk compromising our own character and inner peace. Here are five types of people the Stoics would advise keeping at a distance.
1. The Constant Complainer
Stoicism teaches acceptance of what we can’t control while taking action on what we can. The chronic complainer does the opposite, dwelling endlessly on circumstances beyond their influence while refusing to take responsibility for their own responses. These individuals turn every conversation into a litany of grievances, spreading negativity that infects everyone around them.
Marcus Aurelius practiced radical acceptance in his Meditations, viewing obstacles as opportunities for growth rather than sources of complaint. When you associate closely with habitual complainers, their perspective becomes contagious. Their refusal to accept reality pulls you away from the Stoic ideal of equanimity and drags you into emotional turmoil that serves no productive purpose.
2. The Flatterer
Excessive, insincere praise inflates the ego and promotes arrogance over the humble self-awareness that Stoicism demands. The flatterer heaps compliments not out of genuine admiration but for personal gain, whether to manipulate you or to curry favor. This behavior distorts your judgment, fostering a false self-perception that disconnects you from reality.
The Stoics valued honest feedback over empty praise because actual growth requires seeing ourselves clearly. When someone tells you only what you want to hear, they deny you the opportunity for genuine self-improvement. Flattery feeds vanity, which the Stoics considered a vice that distorts our understanding of both ourselves and our place in the world.
3. The Two-Faced Person
Dishonesty strikes at the core of Stoic integrity and justice. Someone who speaks one way to your face and another behind your back demonstrates a fundamental lack of character, making genuine friendship impossible. These individuals shift their allegiances based on convenience, betraying confidences and manipulating situations for their own advantage.
Seneca emphasized that true friendship requires openness and loyalty. When you can’t trust someone to be consistent in their words and actions, you can’t honestly know them. The two-faced person keeps you constantly guessing about their real intentions, creating an environment of suspicion that undermines the peace of mind Stoicism seeks to cultivate.
4. The Opportunist
Friendships built solely on what someone can get from you are shallow and transactional. The opportunist befriends you for favors, status, connections, or other forms of gain without offering genuine reciprocity or care. They appear when they need something and disappear when they’ve gotten it, revealing self-serving motives that conflict with Stoic principles of goodwill and mutual betterment.
The Stoics valued relationships based on shared virtue rather than utility. While it’s natural for friends to help each other, genuine friendship involves caring about the other person’s well-being for its own sake. The opportunist sees you as a means to an end, not as a fellow human worthy of respect and consideration.
5. The Hedonist
Those who pursue constant indulgence and pleasure at the expense of discipline clash directly with Stoic moderation and self-control. The hedonist avoids discomfort, seeks excess, and prioritizes immediate gratification over long-term character development. Spending significant time with such people tempts you toward similar behavior, pulling you away from the rational, examined life that Stoicism promotes.
The Stoics accepted pleasure in its entirety, but they recognized that virtue and wisdom matter far more than comfort or entertainment. Associating closely with those who live in constant pursuit of the next thrill or who flee from any hardship makes it harder to practice the courage and discipline required for personal growth. Their influence can gradually erode your commitment to living according to reason.
Conclusion
Stoicism doesn’t advocate cutting people out of your life with anger or judgment. Instead, it encourages thoughtful distance from those whose influence consistently undermines your pursuit of virtue and tranquility. You can be civil and kind to everyone while choosing your close companions with care.
The goal isn’t to surround yourself with perfect people but to cultivate relationships with those who genuinely want to improve themselves and support your growth in return. Seek friends who challenge you constructively, who share your values, and whose presence calls forth your best self rather than your worst impulses.
Seneca advised scrutinizing potential friends before admitting them fully into your life. This doesn’t mean being suspicious or cold, but instead being thoughtful about who gets significant access to your time, energy, and inner world. The people closest to you will inevitably shape your character, so choose those who help you become wiser, more just, more courageous, and more moderate.
If someone in your life consistently exhibits these draining or corrupting traits, limit your exposure calmly and deliberately. This isn’t about superiority or rejection but about protecting your progress toward the life you want to live. Your commitment to virtue deserves to be supported, not constantly challenged by those who pull you in the opposite direction.