We’ve all met someone who doesn’t “get it” when reading the room or understanding how others feel. While some people naturally connect with others and handle their emotions well, others struggle with what experts call emotional intelligence. Research shows that 90% of top performers have high emotional intelligence, and surprisingly, people with average IQs often outperform those with the highest IQs 70% of the time. The difference? Emotional intelligence.
Emotional intelligence, or EI, is the ability to recognize and understand your own emotions and those of others and use this awareness to guide your behavior and relationships. It includes four main parts: knowing yourself, managing your emotions, understanding others, and building good relationships. Unlike your IQ, which stays the same throughout your life, your emotional intelligence can be improved with practice and awareness. Let’s explore six clear signs that someone might struggle with low emotional intelligence.
1. They Have a Limited Emotional Vocabulary
People with low emotional intelligence often struggle to put their feelings into words, typically using simple responses like “fine,” “good,” or “bad” instead of more specific terms. They might say they’re “stressed” when feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, anxious, or disappointed. This limited emotional vocabulary creates problems because unnamed feelings often lead to poor decisions and reactions. When someone can’t tell the difference between feeling irritated and hurt, they’re more likely to react inappropriately – snapping at a coworker when feeling insecure, or withdrawing from family when they’re simply tired.
2. They Struggle with Empathy and Reading Social Cues
One of the most evident signs of low emotional intelligence is difficulty understanding how others feel. These individuals often seem oblivious to the emotional atmosphere in a room, cracking jokes when someone is upset or not noticing when their comments make others uncomfortable. They tend to focus mainly on their feelings and needs, and when someone expresses emotions, they often try to “fix” the problem quickly instead of simply listening. They miss subtle cues like body language, tone of voice, or facial expressions, making it hard for them to build meaningful relationships because others feel unheard and misunderstood.
3. They Have Poor Emotional Control and Get Stressed Easily
Managing emotions effectively is key to emotional intelligence, and people with low EI often struggle in this area. You might notice them having emotional outbursts during meetings, shutting down completely when faced with criticism, or staying angry for much longer than is reasonable. They tend to get overwhelmed by stress more easily than others and have trouble bouncing back from setbacks. In the workplace, poor emotional control can lead to damaged relationships with colleagues, missed opportunities for advancement, and a tense atmosphere for everyone, significantly impacting career success since emotional intelligence affects 58% of job performance.
4. They’re Poor Communicators and Listeners
Communication involves much more than just talking; people with low emotional intelligence often miss this point. They might be able to share information clearly. They struggle with the emotional side of communication, often interrupting others, waiting for their turn to speak instead of genuinely listening, and focusing only on facts while missing the emotional context. They don’t pick up on the emotions behind words or important nonverbal communication like facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice. Conversations feel one-sided and frustrating for others, especially since they tend to make themselves rather than stay present with the other person’s feelings and needs. Rating for others. They also tend to make conversations about themselves, bringing the focus back to their own experiences rather than staying present with the other person’s feelings and needs.
5. They Get Defensive and Resist Feedback
People with low emotional intelligence often struggle to accept constructive criticism or feedback, taking suggestions as personal attacks instead of opportunities to grow. They might get defensive, make excuses, or blame others when things don’t go well, frequently insisting they’re “always right” and having trouble seeing situations from other people’s perspectives. This defensiveness creates a cycle that prevents learning and growth because when someone offers feedback, they respond with anger or shut down entirely rather than considering the input. They often focus on their mistakes in unproductive ways, beating themselves up rather than learning from the experience, which makes it difficult for them to advance in their careers or improve relationships.
6. They Have Trouble Building and Maintaining Relationships
Social skills are the final piece of the emotional intelligence puzzle, and people with low EI often struggle in this area, having few close friends or finding it difficult to maintain long-term relationships. They often have trouble collaborating effectively with teams or building professional relationships that lead to career advancement. The relationship challenges stem from all the other issues we’ve discussed – poor communication, lack of empathy, emotional outbursts, and defensiveness all make it hard to connect with others. People with low emotional intelligence might feel lonely or isolated but not understand that their behavior contributes to these problems, which can be especially damaging in professional settings where teamwork and collaboration are essential.
Case Study: Stephanie’s Journey
Stephanie worked as a project manager at a mid-sized marketing firm. Despite her technical skills and attention to detail, she was constantly frustrated with her team and wondered why projects always seemed to hit roadblocks. During team meetings, Stephanie often interrupted colleagues when they tried to explain delays or challenges, focusing only on deadlines and deliverables without considering the stress and workload her team was experiencing. When team members tried to bring up concerns about unrealistic timelines, Stephanie would dismiss their worries as excuses and push harder for results.
The turning point came during a challenging project when two of her best team members requested transfers to other departments. Stephanie was shocked and hurt, unable to understand why people didn’t want to work with her. Her manager suggested she might benefit from some feedback, but Stephanie’s initial reaction was defensive – she insisted she was trying to maintain high standards and meet client expectations. She felt her team was overly sensitive and didn’t appreciate her dedication to quality work.
After some reflection and honest conversations with trusted colleagues, Stephanie began to see patterns in her behavior. She realized she had been so focused on results that she hadn’t noticed how her communication style affected others. She practiced active listening in meetings, asking team members how they felt about project timelines, and acknowledging their concerns before jumping into problem-solving mode. Over time, Stephanie learned to recognize her stress signals and take breaks when she felt overwhelmed, which helped her respond more thoughtfully to challenges. Her relationships with her team gradually improved, and she discovered that when people felt heard and supported, they were more motivated to do excellent work.
Key Takeaways
- People with low emotional intelligence often struggle to identify and name their specific emotions, using vague terms like “fine” or “stressed” instead of more precise language.
- Lack of empathy and difficulty reading social cues are significant signs of low EI, which can make it difficult to understand and connect with others’ feelings.
- Poor emotional regulation leads to outbursts, excessive stress, and difficulty bouncing back from setbacks, damaging professional and personal relationships.
- Communication problems include poor listening skills, missing nonverbal cues, and making conversations about themselves rather than genuinely engaging with others.
- Defensive reactions to feedback and criticism prevent learning and growth, as these individuals often blame others rather than reflecting on their behavior.
- Difficulty building and maintaining relationships stems from combining all these challenges, leading to social isolation and career limitations.
- Unlike IQ, emotional intelligence can be improved through practice, self-reflection, and conscious effort to develop better emotional awareness.
- Emotional intelligence accounts for 58% of job performance and is valued by 71% of employers more than technical skills.
- Self-awareness is the foundation of emotional intelligence. You can’t manage what you don’t recognize or understand about yourself.
- Recognizing these signs in yourself or others is the first step toward improvement, and many resources are available to help you develop these crucial skills.
Conclusion
Recognizing the signs of low emotional intelligence isn’t about judging or criticizing others – it’s about understanding how these patterns affect relationships and success in life. Whether you see these signs in yourself or someone you work with, remember that emotional intelligence can be developed and improved over time. The key is awareness, practice, and a willingness to step outside your comfort zone to understand and connect with others truly.
The good news is that, unlike IQ, which remains relatively fixed throughout life, emotional intelligence is highly changeable. With conscious effort, self-reflection, and sometimes professional guidance, anyone can learn to recognize emotions better, manage their reactions, empathize with others, and build stronger relationships. Start by paying attention to your emotional responses and practicing active listening with the people in your life. Investing in developing emotional intelligence pays dividends in every area of life, from career advancement to deeper personal relationships and overall well-being.